Does anybody know how to print a table that's in landscape format, but
have the page numbering in the bottom right corner as if the page were
portrait? I've tried dozens of things and spent hours trying to figure
this out but have yet to find an acceptable solution.

You might think this silly, but instead of rotating the page number you
could make all the cells of the sheet sideways using
Format Cells Alignment Orientation
and rotating 90 degrees.

Then the header/footer would be perpendicular to the data.

This makes the data harder to work with. Still, the appearance is what you
want.